by: Vivian Johnson
Most single parents battle with themselves and others over what should and should not be told to the children. Some say there is no right or wrong answer.
My personal opinion is this; you shouldn’t drag them into a relationship you aren’t sure of.
When you reach the point where you are actually communicating with each other through every way possible, and the two of you have met face-to-face more than once. Then at this point I would mention to the children that you have met someone.
Tell them about the person but do not discuss your future plans with this person just yet. Trust me, when it comes to internet relationships things happen and the plans may literally fall apart at the last minute.
If the two of you are making plans regarding the future, do not tell the children until the last minute.
As a single parent it is our responsibility to make sure our children feel safe. If our personal life changes like the weather? Then we should spare the children.
They shouldn’t have their little worlds tossed upside down whenever something goes wrong with our online relationship.
Should I tell my children about my online love? Absolutely not! At least not until all of the plans the two of you have made comes to fruition, and not until then.
Some parents tell their young children everything that happens every day in the new relationship. I know parents that have introduced their children to their “potential partner” over the phone or webcam! I am against that 100%!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Online Dating-The Problem With Online Dating
by: Vivian Johnson
One of the main problems with online dating is the extensive selection that is available. With so many singles we find ourselves getting caught up and involved with so many of them.
We would save a lot of time and emotions by being more selective. That way we are available for the Singles that fit our “must have” list.
Online dating is not like your local bar and grille where you may have a selection of 7-10 eligible singles on a good night!
Online your choices are endless! If you don’t find who you want on one site? You just move onto the next singles site.
Start with your list of “must haves” and begin shopping! Take your time...the Singles aren’t going anywhere!
Another problem with online dating, you can never be sure the photo of the person is really the person you are corresponding with! But I think that is a small risk for the quantity of singles you will have access to.
But look at it from the other direction. The Singles you meet in public could be giving you the wrong name, the wrong age; their current relationship status could be a lie. So, if someone is going to lie, they are a liar. Whether online or off...a liar is a liar!
That is the reason I ask so many questions. If that offends some of the Singles? Too Bad! I have a right to know what I am dealing with from the very beginning. If the Single you are giving the “Third degree” to has been online dating for any length of time, they will understand your skepticism. If not...oh well...Next!!?
One of the main problems with online dating is the extensive selection that is available. With so many singles we find ourselves getting caught up and involved with so many of them.
We would save a lot of time and emotions by being more selective. That way we are available for the Singles that fit our “must have” list.
Online dating is not like your local bar and grille where you may have a selection of 7-10 eligible singles on a good night!
Online your choices are endless! If you don’t find who you want on one site? You just move onto the next singles site.
Start with your list of “must haves” and begin shopping! Take your time...the Singles aren’t going anywhere!
Another problem with online dating, you can never be sure the photo of the person is really the person you are corresponding with! But I think that is a small risk for the quantity of singles you will have access to.
But look at it from the other direction. The Singles you meet in public could be giving you the wrong name, the wrong age; their current relationship status could be a lie. So, if someone is going to lie, they are a liar. Whether online or off...a liar is a liar!
That is the reason I ask so many questions. If that offends some of the Singles? Too Bad! I have a right to know what I am dealing with from the very beginning. If the Single you are giving the “Third degree” to has been online dating for any length of time, they will understand your skepticism. If not...oh well...Next!!?
Online Dating-The Reason Online Dating Works
by: Vivian Johnson
We probably all know why online dating doesn’t work, but I want to let you know the reasons online dating does work.
The main reason online dating works is because of the vast number of eligible Singles that are online. If you can’t find what you want on one site, you simply move on to the next site.
If you are out “clubbing” you will have a very limited number of Singles to choose from. While online, there are literally millions of singles!
Another reason online dating works is we are able to totally “drop out” of the picture if we are being pursued by someone we have no interest in.
Unfortunately, if we are being pursued offline, using a club as an example, we can be followed from the bar to the dance floor to a table even all of the way to the parking lot!
But online, we can simply choose to stop responding! If the pursuit turns into harassment and stalking, we can have the site administrator totally block them!
Another reason online dating works is that we can “qualify” a person before deciding whether or not we want to get to know them better. While offline we can ask a lot of questions and if we don’t like the answers we are rarely rude enough to look someone in the face and say; “thanks for your interest, but I am not interested in you. Bye...”
I find that online dating has a lot of “safety features” that work in the favor of the Singles! You just have to know what these “safety features” are and how to use them!
We probably all know why online dating doesn’t work, but I want to let you know the reasons online dating does work.
The main reason online dating works is because of the vast number of eligible Singles that are online. If you can’t find what you want on one site, you simply move on to the next site.
If you are out “clubbing” you will have a very limited number of Singles to choose from. While online, there are literally millions of singles!
Another reason online dating works is we are able to totally “drop out” of the picture if we are being pursued by someone we have no interest in.
Unfortunately, if we are being pursued offline, using a club as an example, we can be followed from the bar to the dance floor to a table even all of the way to the parking lot!
But online, we can simply choose to stop responding! If the pursuit turns into harassment and stalking, we can have the site administrator totally block them!
Another reason online dating works is that we can “qualify” a person before deciding whether or not we want to get to know them better. While offline we can ask a lot of questions and if we don’t like the answers we are rarely rude enough to look someone in the face and say; “thanks for your interest, but I am not interested in you. Bye...”
I find that online dating has a lot of “safety features” that work in the favor of the Singles! You just have to know what these “safety features” are and how to use them!
Online Dating-The Secret To Attracting Love Online
by: Vivian Johnson
We all have the ability to attract love anywhere and everywhere. We just have to know how!
The secret to attracting love online is...
Knowing! Knowing who we are...Knowing what we want...Knowing where to find what we want!
Do you know who you really are? If not take the time needed to find out before going any further. Once you know who you are, you will need to know what you want. Can you honestly say you know what you want? The majority of the Singles go online without a clue as to who they are looking for.
Once you know the “who” and the “what” then you have to know the “where”.
The secret to attracting love online...is finding exactly where they are. You want to be patient enough to take the time needed to browse, and browse until you find the Singles that fit the specifications of who and what you are looking for.
Begin by browsing the largest online dating sites. I would pick 2 or 3 sites to work with.
You may even want to pick a few of the “specialty” sites. The ones that cater to more specifics based on age, race, religion, etc. You might want to pick 1 or 2 of these sites also.
With all of the online dating sites you decide to use, keep notes. Within your notes, list the site and the User Names of the Singles that catch your attention.
At the end of your free trials, review your notes. You want to join the site/s that has produced the best results for you!
We all have the ability to attract love anywhere and everywhere. We just have to know how!
The secret to attracting love online is...
Knowing! Knowing who we are...Knowing what we want...Knowing where to find what we want!
Do you know who you really are? If not take the time needed to find out before going any further. Once you know who you are, you will need to know what you want. Can you honestly say you know what you want? The majority of the Singles go online without a clue as to who they are looking for.
Once you know the “who” and the “what” then you have to know the “where”.
The secret to attracting love online...is finding exactly where they are. You want to be patient enough to take the time needed to browse, and browse until you find the Singles that fit the specifications of who and what you are looking for.
Begin by browsing the largest online dating sites. I would pick 2 or 3 sites to work with.
You may even want to pick a few of the “specialty” sites. The ones that cater to more specifics based on age, race, religion, etc. You might want to pick 1 or 2 of these sites also.
With all of the online dating sites you decide to use, keep notes. Within your notes, list the site and the User Names of the Singles that catch your attention.
At the end of your free trials, review your notes. You want to join the site/s that has produced the best results for you!
Online Dating-The Secret To Finding The Love Of Your Life Online
by: Vivian Johnson
That is the goal of every online single! We all want to find the love of our life!
Never give up, because it is possible and it is happening every single day!
The secret to finding the love of your life online is knowing exactly what you want. We can’t go into online dating without knowing exactly the type of person the love of our life is. We need to know what they are like inside and outside!
In my case I am 6’ tall. The love of my life must be over 6’ tall. I am full figured and really slim men make me feel larger than I want to feel! I am a very involved with the church, so I wouldn’t get along too well with an atheist. These are things that must be shared from the very beginning! If I have developed feelings for someone, then discovered they were only 5’6”, we’re going to have a problem!
Things that are the most important to me have to be “cleared” from the very beginning. That way I can save myself and others a lot of time.
And the singles that are online to sincerely find the love of their life appreciate when someone clearly says; “thanks for your interest, but I am sure someone else would be better suited for you than me.”
The secret to finding the love of your life is to be completely honest about who you are and who you are looking for!
That is the goal of every online single! We all want to find the love of our life!
Never give up, because it is possible and it is happening every single day!
The secret to finding the love of your life online is knowing exactly what you want. We can’t go into online dating without knowing exactly the type of person the love of our life is. We need to know what they are like inside and outside!
In my case I am 6’ tall. The love of my life must be over 6’ tall. I am full figured and really slim men make me feel larger than I want to feel! I am a very involved with the church, so I wouldn’t get along too well with an atheist. These are things that must be shared from the very beginning! If I have developed feelings for someone, then discovered they were only 5’6”, we’re going to have a problem!
Things that are the most important to me have to be “cleared” from the very beginning. That way I can save myself and others a lot of time.
And the singles that are online to sincerely find the love of their life appreciate when someone clearly says; “thanks for your interest, but I am sure someone else would be better suited for you than me.”
The secret to finding the love of your life is to be completely honest about who you are and who you are looking for!
Online Dating-The Truth About Being Seductive Online
by: Vivian Johnson
I think we will all agree that being seductive is an art. But being seductive online takes seduction to a whole new level!
First, we must all vow to only seduce someone we are romantically interested in.
The truth about being seductive online is, you need to realize everyone is different. So being seductive online means you have to know what will work for the person you are interested in seducing.
If you have known the person for any length of time, read their profile again and re-read some of the emails you have received from them.
You have to “zero” in on areas that they find seductive and romantic.
Once you have done that you will have to plant a seed within their thoughts. Once you find the way to plant this seed you want to plant it subtly. Over the years what has worked best for me is to “preplan” the seduction. The easiest way to do that is to have a “dream” or “thought” that is seductive and share it with the “target”.
This “dream” or “thought” must not be vulgar, crude or overly sexual. If it ends up being overly sexual, you will get a different result.
You want to realize that seduction doesn’t begin when the candles are lit, the love ballads are playing, and the fireplace is burning. It begins in the mind! Once you seduce the mind, the body will follow!
The truth about being seductive online lies in your imagination, in your desire, and in your delivery!
I think we will all agree that being seductive is an art. But being seductive online takes seduction to a whole new level!
First, we must all vow to only seduce someone we are romantically interested in.
The truth about being seductive online is, you need to realize everyone is different. So being seductive online means you have to know what will work for the person you are interested in seducing.
If you have known the person for any length of time, read their profile again and re-read some of the emails you have received from them.
You have to “zero” in on areas that they find seductive and romantic.
Once you have done that you will have to plant a seed within their thoughts. Once you find the way to plant this seed you want to plant it subtly. Over the years what has worked best for me is to “preplan” the seduction. The easiest way to do that is to have a “dream” or “thought” that is seductive and share it with the “target”.
This “dream” or “thought” must not be vulgar, crude or overly sexual. If it ends up being overly sexual, you will get a different result.
You want to realize that seduction doesn’t begin when the candles are lit, the love ballads are playing, and the fireplace is burning. It begins in the mind! Once you seduce the mind, the body will follow!
The truth about being seductive online lies in your imagination, in your desire, and in your delivery!
Online Dating-The Truth About Seducing Her Online
by: Vivian Johnson
Being seductive can either work or blowup in your face. Online may be a little easier.
The truth about seducing her online is that you must take your time and subtly get into her head where seduction actually begins. Contrary to what a lot of people believe, seduction does not begin below the waist! The sooner we realize this the better off we will all be!
The truth about seducing her online is that there must be a balance of romance and physical attraction. If one of these parts is missing, you will not be able to successfully seduce her online.
You want to take your time and get to know her well before trying to seduce her. Please do not attempt to seduce someone you really have no romantic interest in. That would really be wrong and unfair!
To seduce her online, make sure she is interested in you. Even a little bit will help. But if there is no interest there at all, it will blow up in your face.
The truth about seducing her online means you have to “plant a seed”. Then let it sit there for a while, before taking the seduction to the next level. Usually the “seed” is a preplanned “dream”, “thought” or “idea”.
After planting the seed and letting it set for a while...eventually you will want to very gently water that seed. You can do this by telling her the preplanned “dream”, “thought”, or “idea” in small increments. Pausing along the way to gauge her reaction. If you get to the point where she seems to shut down and block you out, it is time to stop.
The truth about seducing her starts with “planting a seed”. Then you want to “water the seed” and finally, watch her reaction.
With practice you will be able to take online seduction to an all new level!
Being seductive can either work or blowup in your face. Online may be a little easier.
The truth about seducing her online is that you must take your time and subtly get into her head where seduction actually begins. Contrary to what a lot of people believe, seduction does not begin below the waist! The sooner we realize this the better off we will all be!
The truth about seducing her online is that there must be a balance of romance and physical attraction. If one of these parts is missing, you will not be able to successfully seduce her online.
You want to take your time and get to know her well before trying to seduce her. Please do not attempt to seduce someone you really have no romantic interest in. That would really be wrong and unfair!
To seduce her online, make sure she is interested in you. Even a little bit will help. But if there is no interest there at all, it will blow up in your face.
The truth about seducing her online means you have to “plant a seed”. Then let it sit there for a while, before taking the seduction to the next level. Usually the “seed” is a preplanned “dream”, “thought” or “idea”.
After planting the seed and letting it set for a while...eventually you will want to very gently water that seed. You can do this by telling her the preplanned “dream”, “thought”, or “idea” in small increments. Pausing along the way to gauge her reaction. If you get to the point where she seems to shut down and block you out, it is time to stop.
The truth about seducing her starts with “planting a seed”. Then you want to “water the seed” and finally, watch her reaction.
With practice you will be able to take online seduction to an all new level!
Online Dating-Why We Can’t Find Love Online
by: Vivian Johnson
Most of us ask ourselves and everyone that will listen this question!
Why we can’t find love online? I believe the reason is that we do not know what love is, which means we can’t identify it when we see it!
We are looking for the dramatic, life altering, breath holding love we read about and see at the theater. That isn’t love...it is just good acting and you paid well to see it!
We can’t find love online because we aren’t honest while online. If we are honest with ourselves and others we will all be in a better position when it comes to love.
I think you should make a personal vow to not try to find love online until you are sure of what you want and not until then. You will save yourself and other singles a lot of time!
Think about this...how can you get to an unfamiliar “place” without a map or without someone giving you directions?
Most of us go online looking for love but we are wearing a blind fold and earplugs. So, with that being said, how are we going to find love?
We can start by removing the blind fold, the earplugs and listing what we want. Be honest, and right it down. You can always go back and change it.
Take your list and use it like a shopping list. Let it help you find what you know you want and need.
We will only be able to find love online if we are brutally honest with ourselves about what we are looking for and what we ideally want!
Most of us ask ourselves and everyone that will listen this question!
Why we can’t find love online? I believe the reason is that we do not know what love is, which means we can’t identify it when we see it!
We are looking for the dramatic, life altering, breath holding love we read about and see at the theater. That isn’t love...it is just good acting and you paid well to see it!
We can’t find love online because we aren’t honest while online. If we are honest with ourselves and others we will all be in a better position when it comes to love.
I think you should make a personal vow to not try to find love online until you are sure of what you want and not until then. You will save yourself and other singles a lot of time!
Think about this...how can you get to an unfamiliar “place” without a map or without someone giving you directions?
Most of us go online looking for love but we are wearing a blind fold and earplugs. So, with that being said, how are we going to find love?
We can start by removing the blind fold, the earplugs and listing what we want. Be honest, and right it down. You can always go back and change it.
Take your list and use it like a shopping list. Let it help you find what you know you want and need.
We will only be able to find love online if we are brutally honest with ourselves about what we are looking for and what we ideally want!
Online Dating-Why We Can't Find Our Soul Mate Online
by: Vivian Johnson
Some of us singles feel like our life is incomplete without our “soul mate”. So we are on a mission to find this illusive person!
Why we can’t find our soul mate online is that we do not know what characteristics our soul mate will have. We may be ignoring our soul mate everyday!
Our “soul mate” may have a gentle nature and aren’t as persistent as the other Singles that force their way into our worlds.
You will find the persons that are the most persistent and aggressive online are not your soul mate.
So if we are waiting for our soul mate to “steam roll” their way into our lives, we are wasting our time. This will never happen!
Why we can’t find our soul mate online is that when we first go online we are pursued by the stronger personality types. The ones that will email us over and over again without even waiting for a response.
We may not know it at the time but the people that monopolize most of our time online is not our soul mate. So we aren’t available when our soul mate comes along.
For this reason, I tell all singles do not spend your “down time” communicating with Singles you really aren’t interested in.
The “nicer” singles will not pursue you if they perceive you really aren’t interested in them. They will move on,
The reason why we can’t find our soul mate online is that we are usually overlooking them!
Stay away from the time wasters, that will insure you are available when your “soul mate” finds you!
Some of us singles feel like our life is incomplete without our “soul mate”. So we are on a mission to find this illusive person!
Why we can’t find our soul mate online is that we do not know what characteristics our soul mate will have. We may be ignoring our soul mate everyday!
Our “soul mate” may have a gentle nature and aren’t as persistent as the other Singles that force their way into our worlds.
You will find the persons that are the most persistent and aggressive online are not your soul mate.
So if we are waiting for our soul mate to “steam roll” their way into our lives, we are wasting our time. This will never happen!
Why we can’t find our soul mate online is that when we first go online we are pursued by the stronger personality types. The ones that will email us over and over again without even waiting for a response.
We may not know it at the time but the people that monopolize most of our time online is not our soul mate. So we aren’t available when our soul mate comes along.
For this reason, I tell all singles do not spend your “down time” communicating with Singles you really aren’t interested in.
The “nicer” singles will not pursue you if they perceive you really aren’t interested in them. They will move on,
The reason why we can’t find our soul mate online is that we are usually overlooking them!
Stay away from the time wasters, that will insure you are available when your “soul mate” finds you!
Bad Men You Should Avoid When Dating
by: Nicholl McGuire
Women always say, “I didn’t know he was like that” when their boyfriends perform acts that cause everyone around them shame. In some cases they really weren’t aware of the boyfriend’s mischievous deeds, but in other cases women knew well in advance they just hoped he would stop.
Most women are not stupid, gullible, dumb, or any other name critics choose to call them for the selections in men they make. For some, they truly had no idea their boyfriend meant bad news for them. The ever-popular question of, “Why did she get herself involved with him anyway?” continues to loom over their heads and the reasons vary depending on whom you ask. Some women may have found out about their problem boyfriend and stayed because of love, status, money and/or power. Others may have stayed because they didn’t want to carry the guilt of leaving their children’s father over issues they feel could be resolved. Still many women feel they can change him. As long as women continue to believe that the power of sex, money, counseling, personal sacrifice or a host of other strategies to change a bad man will work, they will continue to subject themselves to mental and physical abuse. These strategies simply will never work for some men. There comes a time when women will have to get off their knees whether she is praying to God or pleading to her mate to change. She will have to stand up carrying her self-respect in hand and walk right through the door of “end the relationship now.”
The following advice is written for women who haven’t yet made a commitment or a baby with a “bad boy.” She may be struggling with whether she is ready to settle down with him, distance herself from him or keep him as a friend. Although the best advice is not to offer to carry him or his burdens and just leave him alone, there will be those women who will still stay. If those women choose to stay, they have committed themselves to a hard life of many restless nights, aches and pains at times mentally and/or physically and they most likely will past negative behaviors to their future children and their children.
The Liar – In the beginning of the relationship, you caught him in a few white lies. He had what seemed like convincing excuses; therefore you let him get away with them. Now the lying has increased and the excuses have become minimal if not at all. Actions you may want to consider are the following: Approach him not only with what you think, but what you know; in other words have proof. Stop taking his lying lightly. Let him know that this behavior you will not accept any longer. If he chooses to continue lying, then tell him you will have to end the relationship for good. Once you have made a decision that you are leaving, begin to make efforts to not be contacted by him (change your cell phone number, block his email address, put places you hang out frequently on hold, and avoid telling mutual friends about your personal whereabouts, thoughts and feelings. You must not leave and then go back to him, he will only get better about lying to you over time.
The Player also known as The Pimp – This man is obsessed with being contacted or making contact with the opposite sex. He will use cell phone, email, your house phone or friends to make contact with whomever he meets. He will leave a trail of evidence whether it is the popular piece of paper that slips out of his pocket with a phone number without a name, restaurant receipts, hotel charges, cologne or jewelry gifts, read and sent email that sits in his account that he forgot to delete. He begins to create a pattern in his actions when you have become old and someone else becomes new. Look out for this repetitious pattern. He may develop his pattern after work on a daily basis working later and later nights at the office then when he comes home he is providing almost too much detail about what happened at work or not at all. Another pattern he may create may be choosing a hobby or interest that is very unusual to his personality and attending this faithfully, what you can do to find out if he is sincere is offer to pick him up from the pottery class on some nights. Watch his reaction. There may also be the weekend pattern of always “needing to get away, have some time to myself, or I’m so busy with errands.” All the while making little or no time for the two of you to go out and be seen together. When you suggest new places to visit, he finds an excuse to take you to the same area you both are familiar to keep from running into the other woman or women. He finds a way, anyway, to travel to places without you regularly using an excuse such as “I’m going to my mother’s house or hanging out with Rick, Joe or someone you never heard of Frank.” Be careful family and friends will cover for him. He will call you, at times when he knows you are out and about to see if you will be in the proximity where he will be entertaining the other woman or women. He is protective of his cell phone and his computer; if you tried to check either it maybe password protected. You may want to consider whether having to worry over your man’s whereabouts is worth all of this aggravation. In time, you will become insecure, angry for no apparent reason, and develop a since of distrust toward everyone you meet. This is baggage you don’t need.
The Thief – He has been around when things go missing. At first you didn’t suspect him and thought items had just been misplaced or he blamed someone else for taking them. Yet, you have always had a funny feeling in your gut that he was the one who made off with your dad’s tools, took your favorite CD, helped himself to some cash sitting around, and other important items. It is time to come up with a plan, set him up. The kind of plan you come up with can’t be easily figured out by him and if you sincerely want your restless conscience to be at peace, then go to great lengths to figure out whether he is trustworthy. Time is money and the longer you stay with him, the more items will go missing.
The Hustler – He is always thinking of a way to separate people from their money illegally. From identity theft to standing on the street corner selling drugs, he always has a knot of money and doesn’t mind living lavishly. Now you may think that what he has told you about his daytime job is paying the bills, but the truth of the matter that job didn’t pay for the designer clothing and expensive jewelry you wear; instead it was the second one you may or may not know about. This man is dangerous. He has enemies and one day some one will catch up with him, you or anyone who associates with either of you, and the sight won’t be pretty. You must ask yourself this question, is he worth putting your life and everyone else’s lives around you in danger?
The Abuser/Controller – You can never do anything right. He is often critical, walks around with an attitude and every opportunity he has alone he wants you to stop living your world to be with him. In the beginning of the relationship, you justified his negative personality with excuse after excuse. Whether he is physically ill, illiterate, disabled or mentally disturbed and on medication, you have a right to explain how you feel about him to him. You may have done this already and got knocked to the ground whether verbally or physically. You may have told yourself that things will get better and he is making an effort to change. Well that is good if he is sincere about becoming a better man; however, he can make those strides without you living with him and subjecting yourself to his name calling, mood swings, choking, punching, and grabbing. There are no rewards in heaven given to women who allow themselves to be abused by men. There was only one Christ in the Holy Bible and you are not He. (Read more about the abuser in an article I wrote entitled, “How To Know Your Boyfriend Is Abusive” at this site.)
The Mooch – You have invited him once again on an outing and he never has any money in his wallet. During inopportune times, he says he needs to stop at the ATM and you know there is none even close to where the two of you are located. When he offers to take you out, he usually picks a place that he doesn’t have to pay much (despite the fact that when it was on your tab he ordered steak and another time lobster!) He drives your car and doesn’t fill it up, when you mention it; he finally puts some gas in the tank -- a measly $5 or $10. Holidays come and go with very little if any acknowledgement from him. Yet, you bought him (and possibly his relatives) really nice gifts whether it was a holiday or not. He displays affection, says all the right things, and listens to your concerns only when he knows he needs something from you. If you choose to continue a relationship with this man you have options and they are as follows. You could stop being so generous and treat him how he treats you. For example, when you invite him out, treat him to the kind of places he takes you. Put a limit on how often he drives your car. Avoid helping him when he is in a bind since you know he won’t help you. Make yourself unavailable to run errands for him and anyone associated with him (that includes his children by a previous relationship, his mother, sister or brother.) If he begins to see you are no fool, he won’t continue to run over you and will grow to appreciate you. However, if he doesn’t you will be making it easy for him to walk away from you without you having to break up with him.
The Drunk/ Drug Abuser – How many times have you seen him intoxicated or using drugs? Is he fun, angry, disgusting or depressed afterward? Are most of the relationship problems you have been facing associated with this type of behavior? If so, then you will have to consider whether or not you will help him get counseling from a distance, continue to live with him and endure the abuse, leave him alone altogether or create an intervention for him that includes a professional counselor, family and friends who have all been affected by his negative ways. If he consistently refuses help, then for your own sanity and safety, leave him alone.
Women always say, “I didn’t know he was like that” when their boyfriends perform acts that cause everyone around them shame. In some cases they really weren’t aware of the boyfriend’s mischievous deeds, but in other cases women knew well in advance they just hoped he would stop.
Most women are not stupid, gullible, dumb, or any other name critics choose to call them for the selections in men they make. For some, they truly had no idea their boyfriend meant bad news for them. The ever-popular question of, “Why did she get herself involved with him anyway?” continues to loom over their heads and the reasons vary depending on whom you ask. Some women may have found out about their problem boyfriend and stayed because of love, status, money and/or power. Others may have stayed because they didn’t want to carry the guilt of leaving their children’s father over issues they feel could be resolved. Still many women feel they can change him. As long as women continue to believe that the power of sex, money, counseling, personal sacrifice or a host of other strategies to change a bad man will work, they will continue to subject themselves to mental and physical abuse. These strategies simply will never work for some men. There comes a time when women will have to get off their knees whether she is praying to God or pleading to her mate to change. She will have to stand up carrying her self-respect in hand and walk right through the door of “end the relationship now.”
The following advice is written for women who haven’t yet made a commitment or a baby with a “bad boy.” She may be struggling with whether she is ready to settle down with him, distance herself from him or keep him as a friend. Although the best advice is not to offer to carry him or his burdens and just leave him alone, there will be those women who will still stay. If those women choose to stay, they have committed themselves to a hard life of many restless nights, aches and pains at times mentally and/or physically and they most likely will past negative behaviors to their future children and their children.
The Liar – In the beginning of the relationship, you caught him in a few white lies. He had what seemed like convincing excuses; therefore you let him get away with them. Now the lying has increased and the excuses have become minimal if not at all. Actions you may want to consider are the following: Approach him not only with what you think, but what you know; in other words have proof. Stop taking his lying lightly. Let him know that this behavior you will not accept any longer. If he chooses to continue lying, then tell him you will have to end the relationship for good. Once you have made a decision that you are leaving, begin to make efforts to not be contacted by him (change your cell phone number, block his email address, put places you hang out frequently on hold, and avoid telling mutual friends about your personal whereabouts, thoughts and feelings. You must not leave and then go back to him, he will only get better about lying to you over time.
The Player also known as The Pimp – This man is obsessed with being contacted or making contact with the opposite sex. He will use cell phone, email, your house phone or friends to make contact with whomever he meets. He will leave a trail of evidence whether it is the popular piece of paper that slips out of his pocket with a phone number without a name, restaurant receipts, hotel charges, cologne or jewelry gifts, read and sent email that sits in his account that he forgot to delete. He begins to create a pattern in his actions when you have become old and someone else becomes new. Look out for this repetitious pattern. He may develop his pattern after work on a daily basis working later and later nights at the office then when he comes home he is providing almost too much detail about what happened at work or not at all. Another pattern he may create may be choosing a hobby or interest that is very unusual to his personality and attending this faithfully, what you can do to find out if he is sincere is offer to pick him up from the pottery class on some nights. Watch his reaction. There may also be the weekend pattern of always “needing to get away, have some time to myself, or I’m so busy with errands.” All the while making little or no time for the two of you to go out and be seen together. When you suggest new places to visit, he finds an excuse to take you to the same area you both are familiar to keep from running into the other woman or women. He finds a way, anyway, to travel to places without you regularly using an excuse such as “I’m going to my mother’s house or hanging out with Rick, Joe or someone you never heard of Frank.” Be careful family and friends will cover for him. He will call you, at times when he knows you are out and about to see if you will be in the proximity where he will be entertaining the other woman or women. He is protective of his cell phone and his computer; if you tried to check either it maybe password protected. You may want to consider whether having to worry over your man’s whereabouts is worth all of this aggravation. In time, you will become insecure, angry for no apparent reason, and develop a since of distrust toward everyone you meet. This is baggage you don’t need.
The Thief – He has been around when things go missing. At first you didn’t suspect him and thought items had just been misplaced or he blamed someone else for taking them. Yet, you have always had a funny feeling in your gut that he was the one who made off with your dad’s tools, took your favorite CD, helped himself to some cash sitting around, and other important items. It is time to come up with a plan, set him up. The kind of plan you come up with can’t be easily figured out by him and if you sincerely want your restless conscience to be at peace, then go to great lengths to figure out whether he is trustworthy. Time is money and the longer you stay with him, the more items will go missing.
The Hustler – He is always thinking of a way to separate people from their money illegally. From identity theft to standing on the street corner selling drugs, he always has a knot of money and doesn’t mind living lavishly. Now you may think that what he has told you about his daytime job is paying the bills, but the truth of the matter that job didn’t pay for the designer clothing and expensive jewelry you wear; instead it was the second one you may or may not know about. This man is dangerous. He has enemies and one day some one will catch up with him, you or anyone who associates with either of you, and the sight won’t be pretty. You must ask yourself this question, is he worth putting your life and everyone else’s lives around you in danger?
The Abuser/Controller – You can never do anything right. He is often critical, walks around with an attitude and every opportunity he has alone he wants you to stop living your world to be with him. In the beginning of the relationship, you justified his negative personality with excuse after excuse. Whether he is physically ill, illiterate, disabled or mentally disturbed and on medication, you have a right to explain how you feel about him to him. You may have done this already and got knocked to the ground whether verbally or physically. You may have told yourself that things will get better and he is making an effort to change. Well that is good if he is sincere about becoming a better man; however, he can make those strides without you living with him and subjecting yourself to his name calling, mood swings, choking, punching, and grabbing. There are no rewards in heaven given to women who allow themselves to be abused by men. There was only one Christ in the Holy Bible and you are not He. (Read more about the abuser in an article I wrote entitled, “How To Know Your Boyfriend Is Abusive” at this site.)
The Mooch – You have invited him once again on an outing and he never has any money in his wallet. During inopportune times, he says he needs to stop at the ATM and you know there is none even close to where the two of you are located. When he offers to take you out, he usually picks a place that he doesn’t have to pay much (despite the fact that when it was on your tab he ordered steak and another time lobster!) He drives your car and doesn’t fill it up, when you mention it; he finally puts some gas in the tank -- a measly $5 or $10. Holidays come and go with very little if any acknowledgement from him. Yet, you bought him (and possibly his relatives) really nice gifts whether it was a holiday or not. He displays affection, says all the right things, and listens to your concerns only when he knows he needs something from you. If you choose to continue a relationship with this man you have options and they are as follows. You could stop being so generous and treat him how he treats you. For example, when you invite him out, treat him to the kind of places he takes you. Put a limit on how often he drives your car. Avoid helping him when he is in a bind since you know he won’t help you. Make yourself unavailable to run errands for him and anyone associated with him (that includes his children by a previous relationship, his mother, sister or brother.) If he begins to see you are no fool, he won’t continue to run over you and will grow to appreciate you. However, if he doesn’t you will be making it easy for him to walk away from you without you having to break up with him.
The Drunk/ Drug Abuser – How many times have you seen him intoxicated or using drugs? Is he fun, angry, disgusting or depressed afterward? Are most of the relationship problems you have been facing associated with this type of behavior? If so, then you will have to consider whether or not you will help him get counseling from a distance, continue to live with him and endure the abuse, leave him alone altogether or create an intervention for him that includes a professional counselor, family and friends who have all been affected by his negative ways. If he consistently refuses help, then for your own sanity and safety, leave him alone.
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